6.07.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
The Human Psyche

It is quite strange how we think and and talk to ourselves in our heads. I mean, at any random moment, unless you are capable of reaching some kind of zen state where you can completely clear away your thoughts, you brain, or mind, is filled with some thoughts or dialogue between yourself. (Here I use 'yourself' in the singular.)

At least I know for a fact that I talk to myself all the time. I tell myself what I am thinking about and I comment on it. "Nah, that's stupid." or "Hey, that is one brilliant idea." Sometimes it might also be, "Why am I obsessed about this?" or "I need to go pee after the smoke. And then I am going to bed." Rather stupid thought, I admit.

The other thing I wonder about is the concept of my own "psychological health". These days I find myself in a depressed mode.... or I should say, I am more aware of it than ever. BUT! here's the weird thing. My 'external' behavior appears to be quite active and happy. That makes me wonder if I am going bipolar. But then again, the idea of bipolar was planted in my head by my friends' symptoms, and it got me paranoid about going bipolar. So now here's the question: if I really am going bipolar, would it be a result of the natural course that I'm destined to navigate through, or would it be actually a result of the fact that I am obsessed with that idea?

Here's one thing I must admit as well (one should always be truthful to oneself... yeah, yeah, I know I am blogging for others' eyes to see as well, but, like I care.) I used to be a bit of a shop-a-maniac. I know it might not have a direct cause-and -effect relationship with my depression. But it sure made me feel a hell lot better. Not to mention that I now have a 3 to 5 years' supply of skin care product. Hahaha.

Good thing that I got rid of that habit. Not that I was cured but simply because I am too broke to be a shop-a-maniac.

Wait. Where was I going with all these thoughts? The Human Psyche? UM.... I forget. Anyhow. Consider this another perfect demonstration of how fucked up my reasoning ability can be. Hee.

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