5.25.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
indifferent


Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

She emailed again yesterday. From the subject line I knew she blamed me for my indifference. I didn't open the email. Instead, I dragged my wacom pen over the button that says "delete". Click. I deleted the mail.

What was it that she's trying to get from me? It's always the same issues. The very same problems that I had listened over and over gain, for a million times now. I had been the perfect listener. I had tried to come up with the solution or resolution to help her get out of it. But she never cared for them. I think all she wanted to do was complain. She enjoyed be miserable and messed up so much that she can't help herself. I know that sounds really mean but you should know how many times I've tried to say, "how about you take my suggestion for a change?" But she always came back to me with the same problems. I was cornered.

To protect myself, I had come up with the perfect strategy. I'd pick up the phone, listened to her, but I'd ask her the same questions she asked me and let her blab on while I turned my attention to a novel I was reading. She'd email me a couple times before I replied with a short not saying I'm busy with my work. "Sorry I can't reply promptly. I'm sure by now you're fine. Best of luck."

Have I become the most insensitive and indifferent person by treating her this way? I did what I had to do. I needed to protect myself. I'd hate to see myself not being able to feel again. But I just don't see how it's possible to feel for her each time she comes to me with the very same set of problems. I just don't care anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

No comments: