6.12.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
賽姬

賽姬本來是個單純的人,有時候純淨的像一張白紙。對,拿白紙來當比喻,確實蠻妥當的。

賽姬的心裡充滿浪漫柔情。因為單純,所以這份浪漫柔情本來也像是白紙一樣,很純淨。

如果有藍色的事情發生,賽姬這張白紙就變成藍色。如果有紅色的事情發生,賽姬這張白紙就變成紅色。一切本來就是這麼的簡單。

後來,有一天有人告訴他說,賽姬,你其實是灰色的,你根本就不是白色。自從那一天之後,賽姬的色彩學就好像起了化學變化似的。例如,有粉紅色的事情發生,賽姬這張不知道到底是白色還是灰色的紙,就便成了淡藍色。有黑色的事情發生的時候,賽姬這張不知道到底是白色還是灰色的紙,就便成了忽黑忽綠的迷彩色。

如果沒有人跟賽姬說他是灰色的,事情究竟是會如何呢?只可惜,這個世界上,如果的事情通常是沒有一定的答案的。

6.11.2005

請攔腰砍掉我的下半身

身為女人,每個月都有幾天讓我想要砍掉下半身。

那幾天,腰痠、頭昏、虛弱,子宮痙攣收縮,有時痛起來,好像可以感覺道血塊沿著子宮璧崩落,血塊沿著陰道逐漸排出造成的溫熱潮溼不舒適感,就更不用說了。

覺得我寫得太 graphic 太歷歷如繪嗎?不這樣寫,不能表達那種感覺。所以我只想要說。。。請攔腰砍掉我的下半身吧!因為今天是我週期的第一天。@@

6.09.2005

抗議!Protest!

Just turned my blog background to black in protesting the P.R.C.'s block on blogs.

將部落格背景顏色改為黑色,抗議中國對部落格進行的箝制!

相關新聞連結:
NYT: China Tightens Restrictions on Bloggers and Web Owners
(requires registration)
按此處看中文翻譯: 中國加強管制部落格及網站

最幸福的翻身

說我奇怪好了。

昨天我在想,我覺得最幸福的時刻,是任性跟他胡鬧的時候。沒事兩人躺在床上鬥嘴、搔癢、玩過頭、然後翻臉幾乎吵架。然後他看我生氣不敢多說話,又很想摸摸我,一付很委屈的樣子,我看了又覺得好笑,然後兩人開始大笑,那種的幸福時刻。

剛剛睡不著覺,於是我又從床上爬起來,打開電腦想要工作,腦袋卻胡思亂想的不能定心。轉頭看到在床上呼呼大睡的他,又覺得最幸福的時刻是像現在,是聽到他翻身繼續沈沈打呼的現在這種時刻。

有時候覺得這人怎麼那麼特別。這麼多年來我已經把自己訓練成,如果天要塌下來的話, oh well,有更高的人會頂住。或者說,天要塌下來也是先砸到更高的人,不關我的事情。而這人,好像與生俱來的就是這麼 mellow,天要塌下來啊?!那就塌啊?先砸到我喔?大概會痛一下吧,天都塌了,不然要怎辦呢!

記得以前老爸給我取個外號叫做「緊張大師」,現在這個封號已經被我束之高閣,雖然有時候它會自己強要跑出來貼到我頭上,不過我都會很努力的把它撕掉,而且現在還有他可以幫我撕,真好!

寫著寫著又忘記我剛剛本來要說什麼了。

他又翻了個身,一把抱住枕頭。我聽著窸嗦的棉被聲音,臉上露出了大大的笑容。

6.08.2005

隨機的抱怨

忽然想到,應該要放個什麼服用本帖藥方的警告吧!否則認識不認識的各路人馬都在不知情之下誤食,不幸中毒傷身又傷心的話,那我是不是罪大惡極呢?

不過話又說回來,我又沒要每個人都得服用這一帖藥。自己跑來抓藥吃,得到了上吐下瀉的後遺症,然後怪我沒放警語。這是哪門子的道理呢?

那好,想到這裡,我心裡突然的也就好過了很多,放寬心繼續熬製我的湯藥。

6.07.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
The Human Psyche

It is quite strange how we think and and talk to ourselves in our heads. I mean, at any random moment, unless you are capable of reaching some kind of zen state where you can completely clear away your thoughts, you brain, or mind, is filled with some thoughts or dialogue between yourself. (Here I use 'yourself' in the singular.)

At least I know for a fact that I talk to myself all the time. I tell myself what I am thinking about and I comment on it. "Nah, that's stupid." or "Hey, that is one brilliant idea." Sometimes it might also be, "Why am I obsessed about this?" or "I need to go pee after the smoke. And then I am going to bed." Rather stupid thought, I admit.

The other thing I wonder about is the concept of my own "psychological health". These days I find myself in a depressed mode.... or I should say, I am more aware of it than ever. BUT! here's the weird thing. My 'external' behavior appears to be quite active and happy. That makes me wonder if I am going bipolar. But then again, the idea of bipolar was planted in my head by my friends' symptoms, and it got me paranoid about going bipolar. So now here's the question: if I really am going bipolar, would it be a result of the natural course that I'm destined to navigate through, or would it be actually a result of the fact that I am obsessed with that idea?

Here's one thing I must admit as well (one should always be truthful to oneself... yeah, yeah, I know I am blogging for others' eyes to see as well, but, like I care.) I used to be a bit of a shop-a-maniac. I know it might not have a direct cause-and -effect relationship with my depression. But it sure made me feel a hell lot better. Not to mention that I now have a 3 to 5 years' supply of skin care product. Hahaha.

Good thing that I got rid of that habit. Not that I was cured but simply because I am too broke to be a shop-a-maniac.

Wait. Where was I going with all these thoughts? The Human Psyche? UM.... I forget. Anyhow. Consider this another perfect demonstration of how fucked up my reasoning ability can be. Hee.