5.30.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
海綿

透明果汁 吸收

紅色血液 吸收

褐色咖啡 吸收

黑色墨汁 吸收

孩子尿床 吸收

翻倒湯水 吸收

耀眼陽光 吸收

灰藍思緒 吸收

憤恨搥胸 吸收

柔情樂音 吸收

愛意蔓延 吸收

盈眶淚水 吸收


海綿的生活

Lost and Found

If your old apartments (or rooms) can talk to each other, they will string together the pieces of your life, relationships, and mental states.

Growing up, first there the big room with a flat bad I shared with my brothers. Then I get my own room, the new house we built when I enter junior high school. Then there's the Taichung girl's prison, the back room in a weird house with Fish, and the room I rented with classmates in senior year. What would they have to say about me?

The dorm room, the psycho villiage, the studio apartment above the ice parlor, and the room in the Number Three Street. That would be another interesting four years.

The dorm room in CCNU, hmm... interesting.

The shitty room I rented in Taipei while teaching at that shitty language school. Dark depressed days...

Then comes the attic room in Sue's house in Chicago, the room in a nice big house on campus, the studio apartment in a creepy bldg that has hallways look like the hotel in "The Shinning", the nice 2-bedroom apartment I rented with L. Together they can document about the history between me and captain and how the dark mood rises.

Then it's back in Taipei in the apartment I shared with cousins. That one has some interesting stories to tell, too.

Then the traveling back and forth between Salach prison and sweet home in Changhua. Then this Frisco room where I'm at right now.

Man... just listing down the rooms took me a while and walked me down the memory lane.

What is being lost or erased in my memory, I know the walls of my old rooms will be able to find them again.

5.29.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
變色龍

在綠色學校裡

你是最可愛最有毅力的小綠。

對,我是最可愛最有毅力的小綠。

你是最幽默最活潑的小綠。

對,我是最幽默最活潑的小綠。

你是被風折斷枝葉也會重新長出枝椏小綠。

對,我是被風折斷枝葉也會重新長出枝椏小綠。



在紅色醫院裡

小紅,別擔心,你的顏色真的很美。

真的嗎?可是我好像已經變成粉紅色了。

不會的,你還是很美很美的小紅啊!

你不要騙我了,我已經褪色了,我自己知道。

那不要緊的,即使你現在眼睛看不見你的紅色,可是你心裡是很清楚你一直是嬌豔的紅色的。那麼有一天,你就會再次擁有你的豔紅。

謝謝你,我會努力的。我是小紅。



在橘色卡片屋裡

你知道橘色在印刷上面是最難印出來的了。

可是,橘色最好看了。而且我一定要這個 shade 的橘。

哪個 shade?

很難形容,像是燃燒的火焰,像是夕陽即將沒入海中的時候,呈現出來的那個火洪的橘。

啊,你果然真的很有眼光。





我沒有顏色

5.27.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
鴨子

我想我需要一隻鴨子。以前我本來有一隻鴨子,他很可愛,常常面帶微笑的看著我。那隻鴨子現在在台灣,沒辦法帶來三番市。

那天我上網找過了,想要在三番市找一隻新的鴨子。可是喔,找不到ㄟ。

後來我就告訴我自己,其實有鴨子也沒什麼好的。我忽然想起來,以前那隻鴨子曾經害我做過一次惡夢,因為他一直呱呱地叫。做惡夢的隔天,鴨子看著我,問我說,告訴我,你的惡夢是什麼,跟我有關嗎?我很勉為其難的把夢境告訴了鴨子,其實我很怕鴨子笑我或罵我,連這麼普通的惡夢都害怕成這樣。我沒有告訴鴨子的是,其實就是因為太普通,所以才可怕。

不過這應該還是我用來安慰自己在這裡找不到鴨子的藉口。

我到底想不想要鴨子?其實我沒有院子也沒有水塘,我怎麼養鴨子啊?我問我自己。

老公說,如果你那麼想要一隻鴨子,可以讓你更快樂的話,那就去找一隻來養啊,院子跟水塘的事情,我來想辦法。老公對我真好。不過我想想,其實我最想要的,是我留在台灣那隻鴨子。

那就等回台灣的時候,去看看鴨子好了。看看他在新家過得好不好。

老公很高興的笑了。我想他是因為我不需要在三番市養鴨子而笑吧?!

[flaky girl's diary]
Hypocrite

God. What is it with people?

She called again (I think it's time to get a new number.), saying she does not blame me at all. She said she understands how people have their own lives and she understands how I needed to do what I had to do. And she does not blame me at all. She's sorry and she feels terrible about what I have to deal with. (Where did she get that?)

Let's rewind and look at the situation. First, she created the 'torture' for me. Making things a mess. Now that I have pulled through for her, she turns around and say "I don't b lame you"? HELLO?! Don't you try to steal my line alright?!

Second of all, what is with the "such is life" crap? For someone who throws their issues at people, and then walk away... you do not play the teacher role in other people's life. I provided counsel and solution for the situation. She did not.

"But I blame you." -- Wish I can say this to her.

Anyhow, I still let her walk away with a sense of triumph that she rescued me from my misery. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with people?

5.25.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
indifferent


Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

She emailed again yesterday. From the subject line I knew she blamed me for my indifference. I didn't open the email. Instead, I dragged my wacom pen over the button that says "delete". Click. I deleted the mail.

What was it that she's trying to get from me? It's always the same issues. The very same problems that I had listened over and over gain, for a million times now. I had been the perfect listener. I had tried to come up with the solution or resolution to help her get out of it. But she never cared for them. I think all she wanted to do was complain. She enjoyed be miserable and messed up so much that she can't help herself. I know that sounds really mean but you should know how many times I've tried to say, "how about you take my suggestion for a change?" But she always came back to me with the same problems. I was cornered.

To protect myself, I had come up with the perfect strategy. I'd pick up the phone, listened to her, but I'd ask her the same questions she asked me and let her blab on while I turned my attention to a novel I was reading. She'd email me a couple times before I replied with a short not saying I'm busy with my work. "Sorry I can't reply promptly. I'm sure by now you're fine. Best of luck."

Have I become the most insensitive and indifferent person by treating her this way? I did what I had to do. I needed to protect myself. I'd hate to see myself not being able to feel again. But I just don't see how it's possible to feel for her each time she comes to me with the very same set of problems. I just don't care anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

5.23.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
Best Friend

It's weird.

Somehow things stays the same and yet they seem very different.

Have I changed? Or has the world changed? That is a question I don't have an answer for.

The phone rang. It was her again. She blabbed on and on and my mind just wasn't there. She might be wondering if I really cared, or she might be the same oblivious person as she has always been. In some way that's good, she might be thinking that I'm still her friend. But in my head I'm screaming: "I don't want to be your friend. You and your nonstop complaining about your other love life." Non of that came out of my mouth of course. This is BAD.

I do wonder why I keep on pretending to be the "best friend" she's ever had? I don't want to break her heart? Or maybe I am simply weak. I guess it's more of the later.

"How about you listen to my problems for once, for a change?" I almost said that. But I hesitated. It just doesn't feel right. I don't have much to complain and that's just not the kind of friend I am.

But here I am blabbing on and on to myself, in the middle of the night, just because I answered the god damn phone.

And the saddest part of it all... is that I know... I'll keep answering the phone.