12.29.2005

15℃ sunshine... at the end of the tunnel

早上起了大早,立志今天要把工作趕完。窗戶外面傳來陣陣風雨聲,不是很冷,但卻是爛到不行的天氣。不過沒想到才過兩個鐘頭,太陽公公突然決定露臉了,而窗玻璃上的水珠都還依依不捨的掛在那裡。

手腕在不停的打字、上網搜尋資料、以及貪玩 GB micro 之間切換,已經開始酸痛。(活該! XD)不過想到工作一但完成,接下來的修改版就快了,不禁令我想要大大的呼一口氣。

然後再三天我就上飛機回台灣了,真開心真開心真開心!!!

12.27.2005

Visual? Mathematician?

Midway thru work, my thoughts kinda wondered away with the earlier IQ test result: Visual mathematician.

I got curious and hit google with these key words and check this out. Wow! That's quite a group of fellow Visual Mathematicians.

My own wondering actually was more about the word "mathematician" for me.

Visual maybe... I've got different tests saying that I am a bit more right-hemisphere dominant, which is more visual. This is also when I'd start wondering if the "stuffing-the-duck" education had screwed me over. Growing up I've always thought/felt that I am terrible at math and art and any physical activities. But I have a feeling (ok. just a feeling), if I had proper art education, I might actually be good at arts.

But not math though. Never liked math and never was good at math. But maybe again, it's my 'genious' high school math teacher's fault. She started me on this "I-hate-math" business. Hee.

In so many different levels I was such a good student growing up. Now maybe I should add this to my list: I was so good at following what school teachers told me (or not-knowingly-lied to me) that I mastered more left-brain activities and took in all the linear logic reasoning... despite my right-brainness.

Hmm... then funny how I should choose, in a way, "word-processing" as a career. Words, words, words, whether it is curriculum development or translation, I struggle with words everyday. Funny eh?! More points to wonder for later.

Now back to the Visual Mathematician crap. I noticed at the bottom of the page, there're other types....
Visionary Philosopher
Facts Curator
Insightful Linguist
Inventive Inquisitor
Inspired Inventor
Precision Processor
Word Warrior
Visual Mathematician
If this is a "choose what you think decribes you best" type of question, let me think.... I'd say that I am more like a "Precision Processor" or a "Word Warrier" I suppose. But I'd like to 'grow up' to be a "Visionary Philospher" or an "Inspired Inverntor".

Maybe this will be my New Year's Resolution.

As for the test result, may I just say... Visual Mathematician, my arse!

15℃.overcast

Again a same old overcast Frisco winter day... and guess what?! I have something lame to say about the holidays and it's better put in Mandarin: 放假比工作還要累。

Between all that cooking and eating and chattering.... oh yes, and the brand new GBM... heee. :P (James the overspender got me a present AGAIN. But he says it's for "us" not just for "Claire aka my nerdy wife." well, According to "Claire aka your clever wife", ie. me, the GBM is entirely, solely mine and mine alone... HA!)

Anyway. That was how I spend the past 2 days (and nights!).

Today is the day to get back on track trying to finish work before Taiwan. But before getting started, I took a little detour and did a little IQ test for my silly Cat. OK, he can't really read so it was actually my score and my result.

Congratulations, Niki!
Your IQ score is 127


This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.


... this is done over a superb cup of coffee, rather loud indie music, with warm space heater blowing at my feet and a slight annoyance about the length of my IQ test detour. I suppose this is more like a normal day-to-day situation and reflects more truthfully about my IQ. . . that is if this test is indeed, according to the site, "PH. D. certified, and also if these PH.Ds are for real.

12.22.2005

15℃.gloomy outside, sunny inside

如果可以把這棟房子拎起來用力轉一轉,大概可以扭出很多水來。

連續下了好多天的雨,全身都快要長霉的感覺。討人厭的下雨天。

這幾天忙趕稿,忙 shopping,昨天差點跟老公吵架。可惡的 James 讓我一個人包裝禮物,一個人寫卡片,而他自顧自的 napping。睡醒起來也沒看我卡片寫什麼,隨便簽了名,還嫌棄我包裝得很醜。吃了熊心豹子膽了!!今天還讓我在雨中撐傘捧著包裹走去郵局寄禮物。給偶記字∼∼∼他要為此付出相當的代價的,嘿嘿嘿!!

12.19.2005

16℃ crappy

Woke up to a thunder storm this morning. James yelled, "what the fuck is that?" hearing the low muffled thunder noise. The thunder sounded far yet all around. Then came lightening. Through the thick curtain in our dark bedroom, light came through. James started to count, one, two, before he could say three, another roar of thunder.

James dragged himself out of bed, poor thing, imagine going to work on such a crappy morning. I said at least there's heat at the store, you won't be cold, hoping to comfort him. Guessed that worked 'cause he started making fun of how miserable I'll be being left home alone in the cold without heat.

It is indeed a crappy day for me not only weather-wise, but also uterus-wise.... the organ that is crucial to my womanhood (>o<") but gives me pain each month. Early afternoon I lay in bed hearing the heavy rain, the wind and the scatterred thunder, imagining blood flowing down and out. Why do I do this to myself? Before I can pull myself out of it and reach for a pain killer and a glass of water, I fell asleep.

Sleep is good, and bad. I forgot about the pain while sleeping but after I woke up, there goes the rest of the afternoon. I suppose it is not so bad since it's not like there's any chance of sunshine today anyway. And I am back to the late owl schedule tonight I think.

Crap.

12.17.2005

8℃ chance of sunshine

有時候覺得我自己大概就是快要發瘋了。

今天睡了一整天,然後理所當然的到早上五點都沒有睡意。也好趁機趕工做了不少工作。

低氣壓逼近,我的背脊立刻就知道了。很清楚自己在逃避不去醫院掛診做個檢查,一下找藉口說要回台灣了,怕約診時間正好要回台灣。要不就說回去台灣看比較習慣 blah blah。其實心裡很清楚在這裡至少要找個全科醫生,而不能光靠自己當蒙古大夫。只是我不曉得我這鴕鳥心態要讓我拖到幾時。

很厭惡不想處理的事情,我也用鴕鳥的方式面對著。想做而該做的事情,多少因為這鴕鳥心態而被牽連了吧?!我心裡想。這幾天多做一些工作,然後給自己放兩天輕鬆假期是絕對必要了。

chance of rain 的天氣,換個角度看,就是 chance of sunshine.

12.16.2005

12℃.clouds.scattered.

今天的天氣(還是心情?):12℃...clouds...scattered

寫作不一定要有目標
Ranting 不一定要有對象

生活不一定要快樂
快樂不一定要寫在臉上

無聊時可以發呆
發呆一點都不無聊

慌張時要深呼吸
深呼吸可以運動腹肌

離開不代表消失
消失的不一定真的離開

工作不一定是為了要賺錢
但不停止工作就不能思考如何賺錢

now stop already...

12.02.2005

KMT has lost its way in election campaign

新聞來源:Taipei TImes
By Chin Heng-wei 金恆煒
Thursday, Dec 01, 2005,Page 8

Last Sunday, the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) and the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) pulled out all the stops ahead of Saturday's elections, in a bid to boost their popularity. But the key to winning the elections will be whether they can mobilize their diehard supporters. The party that can better mobilize its base will have an advantage.

Many people are saying that voters don't care about these elections, and that this is the case for both KMT and DPP supporters. After KMT Chairman Ma Ying-jeou (馬英九) launched a march to mobilize supporters, the DPP organized a march in response. Interestingly, the Taiwan Solidarity Union (TSU) was unwilling to ally itself with the DPP, while the People First Party (PFP) refused to dance to the KMT's tune. PFP Chairman James Soong (宋楚瑜) even ridiculed the demonstrations. As a result, it seems that Saturday's elections are basically a battle between the two major parties.

Even though both parties organized marches on Sunday, there remain many issues in need of discussion. People say that the DPP is good only at election-eering. This may be the case. But putting aside the local and foreign nature of the two parties for the moment, the DPP's performance on Sunday was far superior to the KMT's.

First, each party had a different strategy. From the beginning, the KMT has billed the elections as the first step for Ma, the pan-blue camp's savior, in his campaign to win the 2008 presidential election. It has therefore targeted President Chen Shui-bian (陳水扁) almost exclusively.

From the exposure of scandals by TVBS related to former Presidential Office deputy secretary-general Chen Che-nan (陳哲男) and the first family we can see that the pro-blue media and legislators have already started to campaign for the 2008 presidential election. That is why the KMT called on its supporters to protest in front of the Presidential Office.

The problem is, that there are no elections scheduled for Taipei City this time around. Gathering tens of thousands of people in front of the Presidential Office was simply a way of pandering to the blue camp's "presidential dream."

The DPP's strategy was clearly different. The party gathered supporters and began its activities in Pingtung County, the southern tip of Taiwan, and then moved north, ending with events in Taipei County, the most highly contested district in this election. Meanwhile, it also launched marches in all other counties and cities led by its local candidates. This is how a campaign should be. More importantly, it evoked memories of last year's hand-in-hand rally for many people and was in line with its slogan of "uphold reform, defend Taiwan."

Following on from its success in uncovering the Kaohsiung Rapid Transit Corp (KRTC) scandal, the KMT thought that it could defeat the DPP using the slogan "oppose corruption, save Taiwan." However, perhaps candidates themselves are even more important than their partisanship in local government elections.

Among the KMT's nominees for the 23 counties and cities, at least eight are allegedly involved in corruption. Its nominee for Taichung City, Jason Hu (胡志強), is accused of converting his years of party service into government service in order to increase his pension, and its nominee for Taipei County, Chou Hsi-wei (周錫瑋), is suspected of corruption as well. In total, one-third of its nominees are suspected of being involved in corruption.

By brandishing slogans opposing corruption, one would have to ask is the KMT fighting itself? The French poet Charles Baudelaire said, "The devil's deepest wile is to persuade us that he does not exist." This also goes for corruption in the KMT.

Chin Heng-wei is the editor-in-chief of Contemporary Monthly magazine.

Translated by Eddy Chang

11.29.2005

籲請媒體永遠以被害人生命安全為首要考量

  涉及去年台中市耕讀園血案及今年鎮瀾宮副董事長鄭銘坤勒贖案的林明樺犯罪集團,在綁架嘉義縣商人蔡明福36天後,主嫌林明樺和紀俊毅於24日中午在基隆落網,另兩名成員黃博廷及李嘉軒則在持槍與警方對峙談判約七小時後,釋出人質,並遭逮捕。

  經過警方長時間的努力,人質最後終於安全獲救,相當值得慶幸。廣電基金觀察媒體在此一事件的表現,大部份媒體多能配合警方辦案,在肉票安全有疑慮時不予報導。然而遺憾地,某新聞台於24日下午一時五十四分,人質尚未獲釋前即搶先播出林明樺、紀俊毅落網消息,此舉立刻遭到刑事局副局長高政昇出面警告,表示已嚴重影響警方辦案及人質安全。

一九九七年發生的白曉燕綁票案,相信多數人仍記憶猶新,新聞界在其間的表現,社會自有公斷。「新聞自律」近幾年來更成了社會大眾對新聞媒體的殷切期盼。面對新聞界的脫序,有些新聞主管慣常以新聞界欠缺專業規範為托辭。事實上,有關台灣報業、電視及廣播電台道德規範,一九七四年即已由業界訂定,一九九二年新聞評議會第三度修正。這些專業規範,至今仍歷久彌新,相當實用。舉例而言,「處理綁架劫持新聞應以被害人生命安全為首要考量,在被害人脫險前,不得報導。」此不正為本次蔡明福綁架事件新聞處理所應參考的基本原則?

廣電基金長期以來,不斷透過各種方式,致力提昇台灣廣電媒體環境及維護公眾閱聽權益,不遺餘力。目前雖遭遇立法院多數政治暴力之橫逆,但我們仍將持續觀注媒體,服務社會。也期盼所有媒體加強自律精神,一起努力提昇品質與專業,秉持社會責任,扮演社會公義的角色,於此,則方為全體社會之福。

財團法人廣播電視事業發展基金
電話:2392-3177
傳真:2392-3174

P-I Focus: Independent-minded youth hold future of Taiwan in their hands

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER
Sunday, November 27, 2005

LARRY JOHNSON

While the United States has been preoccupied with terrorism and the Middle East, a crisis has been brewing in the Taiwan Strait that could dwarf any the world has seen since World War II.

China is steadily increasing its military and economic powers in the region, forcing Asian countries to bend to its will, with the goal of dominating Asia. Given that scenario, an independent Taiwan, which China considers a breakaway province even though Taiwan has been under the control of the mainland for only four of the last 100 plus years, is unacceptable to Beijing.

China does everything it can to stop Taiwan from gaining international recognition or even participating in international forums and organizations. For example, despite the need for all Asian nations to work together to combat avian flu, China has blocked Taiwan's efforts to join the World Health Organization.

So, while China is expanding in the region, it is focusing more and more on reuniting Taiwan with the mainland, peacefully if that's possible, but with force if necessary.

The United States is all that stands in the way. If China used force against Taiwan, something it has said it is prepared to do if Taiwan declares itself a sovereign nation, the United States could be dragged into a monumental battle.

Meanwhile, Taiwan's leaders are careful not to offend China by talking too loudly about declaring it a totally independent nation although it is forcefully pursuing recognition from more nations. Currently it is recognized by only 26 countries, most of them recipients of Taiwan development aid.

The current leaders of China and Taiwan are fairly content to allow Taiwan to continue as it is today, in a gray area -- not functioning under the government of the mainland but not a wholly independent nation, either. But what about the future?

The younger generations will decide Taiwan's future. And that decision will be of great concern to a United States that is obligated by treaty to provide for the defense of Taiwan. What are the attitudes of Taiwan's young people toward reunification and mainland China?

To answer that question, I recently spent two months traveling throughout Taiwan, talking with young people from 13 to 30. Their answers, overall, show an attitude in stark contrast to the conciliatory attitude of Taiwan's top political parties and suggest a much more forceful stand for independence, one that would bring Taiwan into sharp conflict with China.


I did formal interviews with 50 people, from Taipei, the modern capital in the north, to Tainan, the ancient capital in the south. My subjects, for the most part, were high school and university students but also included young workers and business people. The interviews were in English, which is widely spoken, and even when language was somewhat a barrier, many of the young people were still eager to express their views.

Of the 50 people, only six said they would like Taiwan to become part of mainland China.

Irene Jun, 26, a university student from Gaosheng, in southern Taiwan, was typical of this group.

"I would like Taiwan to become part of mainland China because China is a growing country and it would give Taiwan a better position in the world. I like the people and the culture of China."

This attitude was often reflected among the small-business people I met in Taiwan. Many said they thought reuniting with China was the best future economically.

Three people in the survey said they were indifferent toward China and reunification.

Yung Ying-Ho, 19, a university student in Taipei, was typical of this group.

"I don't think much about Taiwan becoming part of China. I don't care. Maybe Taiwan will be completely independent in the future, but I don't worry about it. I think Taiwan can be different maybe, maybe join China later on. I love Taiwan, but I think it could be better. I think China is not so bad, but they need change -- more freedom."

However, 41 of the 50 people interviewed said they did not want Taiwan to become part of mainland China. Of those 41, 17 of these wanted to maintain the "status quo."

This interview in Taipei with Chiu Li-Ting, 18, who had just graduated from high school and is planning to go to a university is typical of the attitude of those wanting to keep the status quo.

"I don't want our country to become part of China. I don't really like China. We are a democracy and they are communists. I think their thinking is different than ours. I don't feel good or bad toward them, I just feel that they are different. But I don't want Taiwan to declare itself totally independent because I think, if we really announce to the world that we are totally independent, then I think the men of China will attack us."

But 24 of the 41 who don't want Taiwan to become part of mainland China said they wanted Taiwan to become "totally independent" even if it meant going to war with China.

Jimmy Lin, 19, a university student in Tainan, was typical of that group.

"I don't want Taiwan to become part of mainland China. In my opinion, the Taiwan people have the right to manage our government. Looking at history, I don't think mainland China has the right to do this. I want Taiwan to declare its total independence. I hope that one day that will be true. I consider myself Taiwanese, because now Taiwan has been independent of China for more than 40 years, and the culture is totally different. So, I think we have the right to say that we can be independent. But I am worried that there will be war."

Min Hui Lin, 30, who works in finance in Tainan, was even more forceful about independence.

"I don't want Taiwan to become part of mainland China. We are democratic and China is not. I would like Taiwan to declare that it is totally independent. I'm not afraid of any threats of war from China."

While not scientific, I believe this survey indicates that the future of Taiwan belongs to those who want independence from China, a move that China has said would spark war. And if war comes, who will support Taiwan?

Lo Chih Cheng, the executive director of the Institute for National Policy Research in Taipei, said the United States is obligated by treaty to provide Taiwan with defensive capabilities against an aggressor. Beyond that, no one is certain what the United States would do.

"Some people believe that the U.S. is committed to security and stability in the Taiwan Strait, but in terms of what the U.S. would do in specifics, when it comes to a real scenario, nobody knows," Lo said in an interview in July. "I think the U.S. has been very concerned about the growing military power of China, especially the balance of power toward Taiwan, but so far the U.S. has done very little to address the imbalance."

President Bush, in his second inaugural speech, said that "it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world. This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary."

The youth of Taiwan, a nation of 23 million people with an only recently thriving democracy, appear willing to stand up to the might of the People's Republic of China, a nation of 1.5 billion people. It won't be easy.

But as Bush also said in his inaugural speech, "The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause."

The democratic future of Taiwan may well depend upon the United States living up to those words.

---------------------------------------

P-I foreign desk editor Larry Johnson spent two months in Taiwan on a Fulbright research grant. He can be reached at 206-448-8035 or larryjohnson@seattlepi.com.

Poll shows strong support for Taiwan

PERCEPTIVE: The Gallup poll of Americans and Europeans said that most consider Taiwan to be a separate state and that its features rank more favorably than China's

By Jimmy Chuang
STAFF REPORTER , WITH AP
Friday, Nov 25, 2005,Page 1

The result of a recent poll that was conducted by the US-based Gallup Organization showed that more than 60 percent of the interviewees in five countries see Taiwan as a sovereign country, and also that most people view it more favorably than China.

The Government Information Office (GIO) commissioned Gallup to study the country's image among opinion leaders and the general public in the US, Japan, France, Germany and the UK.

The result of the study showed that Japanese favor Taiwan over China by a margin of almost two to one, slightly more than the gap recorded for Americans.

The result also showed that the three European countries also favor Taiwan over its rival, but did not give specifics.

The survey showed that the strongest impressions for most interviewees in all five countries about Taiwan were of the country's advanced technology, its strong economy, "delicious" food and natural attractions.

As for the strongest impression about Taiwanese people, most interviewees felt that Taiwanese people were hard-working, friendly as well as peace-loving.

Taiwan has been trying for years to regain admission to the UN, the World Health Organization (WHO) and other international organizations, but Chinese pressure has convinced most countries not to support it.

Still, the survey showed that the majority of interviewees supported Taiwan's application to the UN, while more than 72 percent supported Taiwan's joining the WHO.

The Gallup survey, which has a margin of error of 3 percent, was conducted by telephone in May and June. Pollsters interviewed 1,500 adults from the general public and 200 opinion leaders in each of the five countries.

"The government should reflect how to translate these positive attitudes toward Taiwan into action," said Lo Chih-cheng (羅致政), the executive director of the Institute for National Policy Research.

"It is a sign that China's campaign to undermine the country's legitimacy is not working at all," said GIO Minister Pasuya Yao (姚文智).

"The study also showed us that more than 60 percent of the respondents in the five countries see Taiwan and China as two separate sovereign countries," he said.

Taiwanese academics said that the survey's results make it imperative for the government to develop a concrete strategy to take advantage of the support it enjoys.

11.04.2005

TVBullShit - Liberating Taiwan from the Truth


tvbs_lo.jpg
Originally uploaded by claireclaire.
TVBS - Liberating Taiwan from the Truth

這才是 TVBullShit 的真面目 →

Fact #1: There is evidence of forgery and withholding information on foreign shareholdings by TVBS in obtaining its business license.

According to Article 10 of the Satellite Broadcasting Act: "The total shares of a satellite broadcasting business directly held by foreign shareholders shall be less than 50 percent of the total shares issued by the said business." When TVBS applied for license renewal six months ago, it claimed that 47 percent of its shares were held by the Hong Kong-based TVB Investment Ltd. and the remaining 53 percent by the Taiwan-based Countless Entertainment (Taiwan) Company Ltd.

However, 100 percent of investments in Countless Entertainment (Taiwan) Company Ltd. originate from TVB Investment Ltd. In other words, TVBS is in reality a purely foreign-owned company.

根據衛星廣播電視法第十條:
外國人直接持有衛星廣播電視事業之股份,應低於該事業已發行股份總數百分之五十。

但 TVBS 事實上為百分之百外資。

Fact #2: TVBS Chairman Norman Leung served as chairman of the Hong Kong Broadcasting Authority from 1997 to 2002.

TVBS 董事長梁乃鵬曾於一九九七年至二00二年期間擔任香港廣播事務管理局主席。

Fact #3: Minister of the Government Information Office (GIO) of Taiwan, Mr. Yao, stated, "The GIO's position is very clear: We respect all perspectives and commentaries, and even criticisms of the government, in media reports. Regarding handling of the issue of TVBS's shareholding structure, however, this is not a matter of press freedom but, rather, a legal issue."

台灣新聞局長姚文智表示:「台灣尊重媒體對政府的評論甚至批評報導。但是在處理 TVBS 的問題上,這是法律問題,不是媒體自由的問題。」

10.04.2005

Diving Into Stress

Yes, I do sometimes wonder if I have gone insane.

I hate stress. But I keep on creating it.

I hate responsibility. But I shoulder a lot.
(well, mainly because I am too nosy and like to butt in.)

I hate making myself a mess. But I managed to do just so.

I hate being emotional. But I cried my eye balls out last night.

What in the world is wrong with you??????

9.26.2005

【南方紀事之浮世光影】



這是一部以台灣的觀點詮釋歷史與生命價值的電影。【南方紀事之浮世光影】從台灣人民的角度,講述一段當年因高壓統治,而被刻意遺忘的歷史。面對40年代嚴肅的氛圍時,台灣人民所展現的生命力。也就是今天你我願意站出來,手護台灣的心情與力量。不僅如此,【南方紀事之浮世光影】更是一部獻給活在這美麗土地上善良人民的電影,我們堅持使用台灣這塊土地上你我熟悉不過的聲音.·「台語」為主要發音,是一部真正為台灣人而拍的電影。

【南方紀事之浮世光影】以樸實而不做作的電影手法,來講述複雜時代背景下,台灣留日藝術家黃清埕的故事,就像樸實的台灣人,用簡單務實的行動,來面對不斷的社會變遷。從簡單中我們看到藝術家黃清埕對藝術的執著,從簡單中我們看到日治時代台灣人民的偉大。台灣人的【南方紀事之浮世光影】中,有早期台灣社會人民樸實的情感,有留日藝術家對藝術和生命的熱情,有不為人知的高千穗丸船難事件.·。

6.12.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
賽姬

賽姬本來是個單純的人,有時候純淨的像一張白紙。對,拿白紙來當比喻,確實蠻妥當的。

賽姬的心裡充滿浪漫柔情。因為單純,所以這份浪漫柔情本來也像是白紙一樣,很純淨。

如果有藍色的事情發生,賽姬這張白紙就變成藍色。如果有紅色的事情發生,賽姬這張白紙就變成紅色。一切本來就是這麼的簡單。

後來,有一天有人告訴他說,賽姬,你其實是灰色的,你根本就不是白色。自從那一天之後,賽姬的色彩學就好像起了化學變化似的。例如,有粉紅色的事情發生,賽姬這張不知道到底是白色還是灰色的紙,就便成了淡藍色。有黑色的事情發生的時候,賽姬這張不知道到底是白色還是灰色的紙,就便成了忽黑忽綠的迷彩色。

如果沒有人跟賽姬說他是灰色的,事情究竟是會如何呢?只可惜,這個世界上,如果的事情通常是沒有一定的答案的。

6.11.2005

請攔腰砍掉我的下半身

身為女人,每個月都有幾天讓我想要砍掉下半身。

那幾天,腰痠、頭昏、虛弱,子宮痙攣收縮,有時痛起來,好像可以感覺道血塊沿著子宮璧崩落,血塊沿著陰道逐漸排出造成的溫熱潮溼不舒適感,就更不用說了。

覺得我寫得太 graphic 太歷歷如繪嗎?不這樣寫,不能表達那種感覺。所以我只想要說。。。請攔腰砍掉我的下半身吧!因為今天是我週期的第一天。@@

6.09.2005

抗議!Protest!

Just turned my blog background to black in protesting the P.R.C.'s block on blogs.

將部落格背景顏色改為黑色,抗議中國對部落格進行的箝制!

相關新聞連結:
NYT: China Tightens Restrictions on Bloggers and Web Owners
(requires registration)
按此處看中文翻譯: 中國加強管制部落格及網站

最幸福的翻身

說我奇怪好了。

昨天我在想,我覺得最幸福的時刻,是任性跟他胡鬧的時候。沒事兩人躺在床上鬥嘴、搔癢、玩過頭、然後翻臉幾乎吵架。然後他看我生氣不敢多說話,又很想摸摸我,一付很委屈的樣子,我看了又覺得好笑,然後兩人開始大笑,那種的幸福時刻。

剛剛睡不著覺,於是我又從床上爬起來,打開電腦想要工作,腦袋卻胡思亂想的不能定心。轉頭看到在床上呼呼大睡的他,又覺得最幸福的時刻是像現在,是聽到他翻身繼續沈沈打呼的現在這種時刻。

有時候覺得這人怎麼那麼特別。這麼多年來我已經把自己訓練成,如果天要塌下來的話, oh well,有更高的人會頂住。或者說,天要塌下來也是先砸到更高的人,不關我的事情。而這人,好像與生俱來的就是這麼 mellow,天要塌下來啊?!那就塌啊?先砸到我喔?大概會痛一下吧,天都塌了,不然要怎辦呢!

記得以前老爸給我取個外號叫做「緊張大師」,現在這個封號已經被我束之高閣,雖然有時候它會自己強要跑出來貼到我頭上,不過我都會很努力的把它撕掉,而且現在還有他可以幫我撕,真好!

寫著寫著又忘記我剛剛本來要說什麼了。

他又翻了個身,一把抱住枕頭。我聽著窸嗦的棉被聲音,臉上露出了大大的笑容。

6.08.2005

隨機的抱怨

忽然想到,應該要放個什麼服用本帖藥方的警告吧!否則認識不認識的各路人馬都在不知情之下誤食,不幸中毒傷身又傷心的話,那我是不是罪大惡極呢?

不過話又說回來,我又沒要每個人都得服用這一帖藥。自己跑來抓藥吃,得到了上吐下瀉的後遺症,然後怪我沒放警語。這是哪門子的道理呢?

那好,想到這裡,我心裡突然的也就好過了很多,放寬心繼續熬製我的湯藥。

6.07.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
The Human Psyche

It is quite strange how we think and and talk to ourselves in our heads. I mean, at any random moment, unless you are capable of reaching some kind of zen state where you can completely clear away your thoughts, you brain, or mind, is filled with some thoughts or dialogue between yourself. (Here I use 'yourself' in the singular.)

At least I know for a fact that I talk to myself all the time. I tell myself what I am thinking about and I comment on it. "Nah, that's stupid." or "Hey, that is one brilliant idea." Sometimes it might also be, "Why am I obsessed about this?" or "I need to go pee after the smoke. And then I am going to bed." Rather stupid thought, I admit.

The other thing I wonder about is the concept of my own "psychological health". These days I find myself in a depressed mode.... or I should say, I am more aware of it than ever. BUT! here's the weird thing. My 'external' behavior appears to be quite active and happy. That makes me wonder if I am going bipolar. But then again, the idea of bipolar was planted in my head by my friends' symptoms, and it got me paranoid about going bipolar. So now here's the question: if I really am going bipolar, would it be a result of the natural course that I'm destined to navigate through, or would it be actually a result of the fact that I am obsessed with that idea?

Here's one thing I must admit as well (one should always be truthful to oneself... yeah, yeah, I know I am blogging for others' eyes to see as well, but, like I care.) I used to be a bit of a shop-a-maniac. I know it might not have a direct cause-and -effect relationship with my depression. But it sure made me feel a hell lot better. Not to mention that I now have a 3 to 5 years' supply of skin care product. Hahaha.

Good thing that I got rid of that habit. Not that I was cured but simply because I am too broke to be a shop-a-maniac.

Wait. Where was I going with all these thoughts? The Human Psyche? UM.... I forget. Anyhow. Consider this another perfect demonstration of how fucked up my reasoning ability can be. Hee.

5.30.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
海綿

透明果汁 吸收

紅色血液 吸收

褐色咖啡 吸收

黑色墨汁 吸收

孩子尿床 吸收

翻倒湯水 吸收

耀眼陽光 吸收

灰藍思緒 吸收

憤恨搥胸 吸收

柔情樂音 吸收

愛意蔓延 吸收

盈眶淚水 吸收


海綿的生活

Lost and Found

If your old apartments (or rooms) can talk to each other, they will string together the pieces of your life, relationships, and mental states.

Growing up, first there the big room with a flat bad I shared with my brothers. Then I get my own room, the new house we built when I enter junior high school. Then there's the Taichung girl's prison, the back room in a weird house with Fish, and the room I rented with classmates in senior year. What would they have to say about me?

The dorm room, the psycho villiage, the studio apartment above the ice parlor, and the room in the Number Three Street. That would be another interesting four years.

The dorm room in CCNU, hmm... interesting.

The shitty room I rented in Taipei while teaching at that shitty language school. Dark depressed days...

Then comes the attic room in Sue's house in Chicago, the room in a nice big house on campus, the studio apartment in a creepy bldg that has hallways look like the hotel in "The Shinning", the nice 2-bedroom apartment I rented with L. Together they can document about the history between me and captain and how the dark mood rises.

Then it's back in Taipei in the apartment I shared with cousins. That one has some interesting stories to tell, too.

Then the traveling back and forth between Salach prison and sweet home in Changhua. Then this Frisco room where I'm at right now.

Man... just listing down the rooms took me a while and walked me down the memory lane.

What is being lost or erased in my memory, I know the walls of my old rooms will be able to find them again.

5.29.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
變色龍

在綠色學校裡

你是最可愛最有毅力的小綠。

對,我是最可愛最有毅力的小綠。

你是最幽默最活潑的小綠。

對,我是最幽默最活潑的小綠。

你是被風折斷枝葉也會重新長出枝椏小綠。

對,我是被風折斷枝葉也會重新長出枝椏小綠。



在紅色醫院裡

小紅,別擔心,你的顏色真的很美。

真的嗎?可是我好像已經變成粉紅色了。

不會的,你還是很美很美的小紅啊!

你不要騙我了,我已經褪色了,我自己知道。

那不要緊的,即使你現在眼睛看不見你的紅色,可是你心裡是很清楚你一直是嬌豔的紅色的。那麼有一天,你就會再次擁有你的豔紅。

謝謝你,我會努力的。我是小紅。



在橘色卡片屋裡

你知道橘色在印刷上面是最難印出來的了。

可是,橘色最好看了。而且我一定要這個 shade 的橘。

哪個 shade?

很難形容,像是燃燒的火焰,像是夕陽即將沒入海中的時候,呈現出來的那個火洪的橘。

啊,你果然真的很有眼光。





我沒有顏色

5.27.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
鴨子

我想我需要一隻鴨子。以前我本來有一隻鴨子,他很可愛,常常面帶微笑的看著我。那隻鴨子現在在台灣,沒辦法帶來三番市。

那天我上網找過了,想要在三番市找一隻新的鴨子。可是喔,找不到ㄟ。

後來我就告訴我自己,其實有鴨子也沒什麼好的。我忽然想起來,以前那隻鴨子曾經害我做過一次惡夢,因為他一直呱呱地叫。做惡夢的隔天,鴨子看著我,問我說,告訴我,你的惡夢是什麼,跟我有關嗎?我很勉為其難的把夢境告訴了鴨子,其實我很怕鴨子笑我或罵我,連這麼普通的惡夢都害怕成這樣。我沒有告訴鴨子的是,其實就是因為太普通,所以才可怕。

不過這應該還是我用來安慰自己在這裡找不到鴨子的藉口。

我到底想不想要鴨子?其實我沒有院子也沒有水塘,我怎麼養鴨子啊?我問我自己。

老公說,如果你那麼想要一隻鴨子,可以讓你更快樂的話,那就去找一隻來養啊,院子跟水塘的事情,我來想辦法。老公對我真好。不過我想想,其實我最想要的,是我留在台灣那隻鴨子。

那就等回台灣的時候,去看看鴨子好了。看看他在新家過得好不好。

老公很高興的笑了。我想他是因為我不需要在三番市養鴨子而笑吧?!

[flaky girl's diary]
Hypocrite

God. What is it with people?

She called again (I think it's time to get a new number.), saying she does not blame me at all. She said she understands how people have their own lives and she understands how I needed to do what I had to do. And she does not blame me at all. She's sorry and she feels terrible about what I have to deal with. (Where did she get that?)

Let's rewind and look at the situation. First, she created the 'torture' for me. Making things a mess. Now that I have pulled through for her, she turns around and say "I don't b lame you"? HELLO?! Don't you try to steal my line alright?!

Second of all, what is with the "such is life" crap? For someone who throws their issues at people, and then walk away... you do not play the teacher role in other people's life. I provided counsel and solution for the situation. She did not.

"But I blame you." -- Wish I can say this to her.

Anyhow, I still let her walk away with a sense of triumph that she rescued me from my misery. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with people?

5.25.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
indifferent


Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

She emailed again yesterday. From the subject line I knew she blamed me for my indifference. I didn't open the email. Instead, I dragged my wacom pen over the button that says "delete". Click. I deleted the mail.

What was it that she's trying to get from me? It's always the same issues. The very same problems that I had listened over and over gain, for a million times now. I had been the perfect listener. I had tried to come up with the solution or resolution to help her get out of it. But she never cared for them. I think all she wanted to do was complain. She enjoyed be miserable and messed up so much that she can't help herself. I know that sounds really mean but you should know how many times I've tried to say, "how about you take my suggestion for a change?" But she always came back to me with the same problems. I was cornered.

To protect myself, I had come up with the perfect strategy. I'd pick up the phone, listened to her, but I'd ask her the same questions she asked me and let her blab on while I turned my attention to a novel I was reading. She'd email me a couple times before I replied with a short not saying I'm busy with my work. "Sorry I can't reply promptly. I'm sure by now you're fine. Best of luck."

Have I become the most insensitive and indifferent person by treating her this way? I did what I had to do. I needed to protect myself. I'd hate to see myself not being able to feel again. But I just don't see how it's possible to feel for her each time she comes to me with the very same set of problems. I just don't care anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be able to feel again.

5.23.2005

[flaky girl's diary]
Best Friend

It's weird.

Somehow things stays the same and yet they seem very different.

Have I changed? Or has the world changed? That is a question I don't have an answer for.

The phone rang. It was her again. She blabbed on and on and my mind just wasn't there. She might be wondering if I really cared, or she might be the same oblivious person as she has always been. In some way that's good, she might be thinking that I'm still her friend. But in my head I'm screaming: "I don't want to be your friend. You and your nonstop complaining about your other love life." Non of that came out of my mouth of course. This is BAD.

I do wonder why I keep on pretending to be the "best friend" she's ever had? I don't want to break her heart? Or maybe I am simply weak. I guess it's more of the later.

"How about you listen to my problems for once, for a change?" I almost said that. But I hesitated. It just doesn't feel right. I don't have much to complain and that's just not the kind of friend I am.

But here I am blabbing on and on to myself, in the middle of the night, just because I answered the god damn phone.

And the saddest part of it all... is that I know... I'll keep answering the phone.